I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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