I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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