i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
