we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
