The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
