I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
