mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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