i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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