I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she peed on how many people?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
