Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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