Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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