i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
