She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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