if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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