I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
