grandma shit on top of the toilet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Blood and glitter go together right?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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