remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
