I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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