No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
