i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Randomize
