No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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