Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
