Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize