U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
