How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
