I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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