I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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