She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
