apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
