I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
