I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
