I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize