I wish I could teleport
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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