my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
