Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize