NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize