so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
