This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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