Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
