my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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