after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
