I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
