just come out here and I will go home with you...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
