I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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