Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
