Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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