dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
