you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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