She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
