Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
