I heard we made out
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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