dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
