Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
