No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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