so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
