i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
