butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize